188体育

This program features audio interviews with service family members and visualization by actors

鈥淛ust listen to me, don鈥檛 do that again鈥�

What is domestic abuse?

鈥淚 kind of didn鈥檛 realize it was abuse at first. It started off with some minor things like controlling what I would wear and who I would talk to and friends that I couldn鈥檛 see and little things that I kind of brushed it aside because it鈥檚 a new relationship and, you know, you think that you鈥檙e in love and you kind of just go along with it鈥�. 鈥淢y husband was very controlling he won鈥檛 give me any money at all, he would do the shopping himself and also he won鈥檛 allow me to have any friends. You feel like there鈥檚 nothing better you can do and you are what he says that you are somehow you keep on believing what he鈥檚 saying and you feel like you鈥檙e just nothing, just somebody so useless鈥�. 鈥淗e was threatening me, told me he鈥檇 kill me, told me that, you know, put a bullet in my head鈥�. 鈥淚f you met him you think the nicest man in the world because he鈥檚 always like this likeable type of guy around people鈥�.

Throughout the UK nearly 1 million women experience at least one incident of domestic abuse each year and at least 750,000 children witness it. We don鈥檛 want to believe that such behaviour is present within our service family but domestic abuse does happen in service families, just as it does in civvy Street. In the services we do not tolerate any form of domestic abuse, and support victims whatever their gender or age, who are part of our service family.

鈥淒omestic abuse can be physical, emotional, financial, various levels of abuse really, and is often within the family or within an intimate relationship鈥�

鈥淒omestic abuse has a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour that can happen to both men and women鈥�

鈥淚t can start off very subtly so often people don鈥檛 actually realize that there is abuse happening until it becomes much, much worse. It can include forced marriage, 鈥榟onour鈥� based crimes and other forms of abusive behaviour that are not inherently violent. Domestic abuse in the services is never a private matter, it鈥檚 everyone鈥檚 responsibility, including the chain of command, to recognize when someone is being abused and to take action.

鈥淚鈥檇 already had a failed marriage behind me and I didn鈥檛 want to fail again so I was determined that this was going to work and I was going to put up with this, and I could deal with this. I lived with that fear and I suffered so much in silence I felt sometimes I was going to die.鈥� 鈥淲hen I didn鈥檛 do as he asked, he would get very abusive, just accuse me of sleeping around. I wasn鈥檛 allowed any friends on camp, I wasn鈥檛 allowed to go to England, I just felt very isolated鈥� 鈥淚t weakened me immensely. I became of a shadow of myself. I thought that it was just me at the time, there was nobody else going through it.鈥�

The process of domestic abuse is very subtle and very systematic. The victim does not realize that that abuse is actually on-going. Perpetrators often feel very sorry after an incident which makes it very difficult then for a victim to leave.

Victims often feel that the abuse is due to their behaviour and to stop it they need to behave correctly. Abusers often put them in a position where they feel they need to conform.

Sometimes this is the power and control that鈥檚 being exerted by the perpetrator to make the victim feel that it鈥檚 their fault. The fault clearly lies with the perpetrator and only they can change it.

鈥淥ut of anger he threw his fork and it hit me in the face and gave me a scar but he was so apologetic and said that it just flew out of his hand. He was just too overpowering and it was just like he was always right. His idea of compromising was doing his way and I just was submissive. I just wanted a peaceful life really. I really, really try to please him. I went beyond what I should do just to make things right and see if he could change but he never did鈥�